I loved him. And not just cutesy, cuddle with me, chocolates on Valentine’s Day kind of love. Every part of me felt different when I was with him, or even just talking to him on the phone. He told me I was beautiful, he encouraged me to pursue dreams, he cooked for me and made me laugh a lot. That was all good. And man was the good really good.

My mom always told me there’s good and bad in every relationship, just be sure the good always outweighs the bad. If it doesn’t, something needs to change.

A couple years into the relationship with the man I loved the bad started to outweigh the good. I am not one to talk badly about my ex, and I always hope he feels the same towards me. Our relationship began to fall apart because we both let it happen, we both let the bad continue to outweigh the good.

When you can feel something going in a direction you don’t want it to, you either bail or you fight it. I chose to fight it with everything in me. I was not leaving that relationship without giving it my all. We had planned our future wedding, our kids’ names, our lives together. We even went and checked out a place to have our wedding. This was it, I thought, once we get married our relationship will be back to the way it was in the beginning. So I fought harder and harder for what I wanted.

I purchased a wedding dress, a beautiful, perfect wedding dress for the man I loved. I wasn’t searching for one, it kind of just happened and also just happened to be about 50% off. 🙌🏼🙌🏼

I quit my job, packed my things and moved 4 hours to where he lived to join his world. If only there was room for me. I stayed for two months and talked to God constantly about the time commitment, about my future, about the fact that I knew this wasn’t the man for me but I wanted it so badly. I prayed God would make him leave me and that I wouldn’t have to be the one to “pull the plug”. He didn’t allow that, instead he gave me the strength to do it myself.

But I love him. But he loves me. But we have plans. But what if no one else wants me. But we can make it work eventually.

But I bought my dress.

These are the thoughts that I had to ask God to fight off, because my flesh wanted to give in. And thank God I ended that relationship before I fell in deeper.

Some say you can’t help who you fall in love with. I hate that that saying ends there, it should continue with, but you can help who you marry, who you sleep with, and who you commit yourself to.

I loved him, he loved me. I loved Jesus. He loved Jesus. But we didn’t love Jesus together. He was not the center of our relationship and that’s why it failed. We both messed up.

He was able to pick up his pieces quickly and move on with life. But I bought my dress. It’s been quite a while since that three year relationship and I still find myself picking up pieces of that broken love. But God has given me the peace I needed and will continue to give it to me, reminding me that he was not for me, and equally I was not for him.

Don’t continue on with something you know God isn’t in just because you want it. All of those buts, ask God to fight them off for you. And be sure to put Him first.

I thought I was doing it right, I thought he was my forever, he wasn’t and I now have peace with that, even though I bought my dress.

(You didn’t think I’d actually put a picture of my dress, did you!?)

This is written from years and years of watching tons of wives and mamas. Written from years and years of speaking with women of all ages and walks of life. If you feel it’s meant for you then it is.

Dear Friend Who Is A Wife And A Mom,

I’ve been watching you for years and I have some advice for you. Not advice on how to raise your kids or on how to manage a household. Advice on how you can help me. I need it. Even though we may be the same age or you might even be younger than me, I’m watching you for do’s and don’t’s. And so is every other single woman including your daughter.

Remember You Chose This.

We all make choices, sometimes poor ones and sometimes we knock them out of the park. While you remember you chose to be a wife and you chose to be a mother, remember I chose to stay single for this season. Don’t make me feel badly for my choice. You said yes to your man, you accepted that ring. And the mama part. Sex has a super high rate of ending in pregnancy. If you cross that line with someone ya gotta know it’s a possibility. Maybe you were drunk when you slept with him. So you made the choice to drink….a lot….and boom. Choices are everywhere. When you’re in your highest of joys or your lowest of frustrations don’t forget you chose this and I chose my path.

Be A Wife That Makes Me Want To Be One, Too.

I have people in my life that actually make me never want to get married. And I’m not saying marriage is easy, it’s work I know. But, when you are complaining about your husband constantly or don’t want to spend time with him, I think to myself what’s the point? When I see a woman who settled on a man, he’s not awful, just not the best for her, it’s sad. That also makes me think what’s the point? But, those marriages, those real marriages. The ones that apologize to each other, the ones that you can see the love between them. Those are the marriages that make girls want to be a wife. Be that for us. We need it.

Please Stop Telling Me You’re Jealous

I cant tell you how many times I’ve heard wives and mamas tell me they are jealous of my single life. It’s weird, makes me feel like I’m rebelling for all woman of the World! Ok, that was a bit dramatic. But here’s what you don’t know. The day before I told you of my plans to drive cross country or that I was going to go to Florida for the weekend, I was crying in my bed asking God why I don’t have a husband. There are days where I would give anything to have your life. Not your man and maybe not your kids, but to be a wife and a mama. If you like watching my life, tell me that. Your envy is making me feel like I’m doing something insane. It’s also making me think wife life is the worst. I know that’s not your intention, but that’s how it’s taken sometimes.

Ask Me To Help

We’re born with selfish thoughts and hearts. A wife and a mom has a different battle of selfishness than me. I don’t have to share with anyone. My food is mine, my money is mine, my decisions are mine, my stuff is mine, my toiletries are mine and worst of all my time is mine. Unless I choose to share it. Ask me to share it. If you don’t ask me to help you and your family how will I learn? Even if God doesn’t have marriage for me He still wants me to be unselfish. So help me.

Please Don’t Assume I’m Not Busy

“What do you do with all your free time?” I fill it. Imagine that. I do things, I go places, I build relationships and I serve. I completely see and understand that I have time that wives and mamas don’t. But it goes back to the choice thing. I decide what I do with my time, and it’d be nice if you ask me before you assume I’m at home sitting on the couch eating bon bons all afternoon.

Be Real About Wife Life and Motherhood

It may sound like I want you to be all positive and upbeat, but I don’t. No one’s life is always positive and upbeat. I want you to tell me things you did poorly or things you think made your life better. This is how I will learn more. There is a difference of being real about situations and complaining about situations. Tell me what made seasons harder so I can avoid that, don’t keep your knowledge and experiences to yourself-it’s does me no good. Share with me.

I will continue watching you, and so will all of the other single ladies. When I see you struggling I will not compare you to the other moms. When I want you to join me for a special night out I will not assume you can’t come hang for a bit. When I see you being an awesome mama I will encourage you to stay the course. When I see you loving on your kids and husband I will want that, too. I’m watching you to learn how.

Quick recap – I spent three years with a man who I thought I’d marry. That ended in heart break for sure. Then I spent three years studying to become a nurse. That also ended in heart break, along with shame and frustration.

As a Christian I’m supposed to give my life to God, to let Him have control. So that’s not easy. It’s hard, really hard. But, when the things you planned blow up in your face you have few options left.

Single. No job (quit that to focus on nursing school). And I was about to turn 30 years old. According to the World, that was the trifecta of negativity. According to God, I believe He finally had me right where He wanted me. And because I was done trying to take the lead, I stepped back, closed my eyes and jumped into the faithful arms of my Father.

First, I threw a fancy shmancy thirtieth birthday party for myself, but then God orchestrated the most amazing adventure so far. (For my birthday I asked everyone to donate to my next trip to Honduras, I had planned to travel there the following Spring.)

I had always wanted to drive across the country by myself-just me, Jesus and music. My older brother lives in Washington State and I was residing in Connecticut. I had told only a few people that I felt like God was preparing me for something big. And I was hoping it included driving across the country by myself, but wasn’t sure how that was going to actually happen. I didn’t have a job and very little money saved up.

My sister-in-law had just had her fourth baby, a boy, and I was scheduled to fly out to visit a month after he was born. Two weeks before I left for my trip I woke up to a ton of texts from my siblings. I ran to my parents room and the three of us found out my sister-in-law had suffered a severe heart attack, had to be revived and was now waiting to see what her future would look like. I flew out as scheduled and while I was there for a week she suffered a second heart attack. I was so thankful I was there to be with her four babies while her and my brother stayed at the hospital again.

The moment that second heart attack happened, two thoughts immediately ran through my brain. One; oh my golly, I am suddenly in charge of four kids, one being a month old. Two; this is it, this is what God has been preparing me for, this is how and why I will drive across the country.

I flew home as scheduled, made a plan, began saving money and packed my things up. I was so blessed with people giving me money to drive out there, it was insane. I also had the money people gave me for my birthday. I spoke with people I respected in regards of it being appropriate to use for this mission instead. The response I received was, “The money people gave you is for whatever mission the Lord puts you on. If it is Washington and not Honduras then that’s that.” It was so cool God had already supplied so much money towards this mission.

I changed the oil on my car, got new tires, replaced the windshield wipers. April 1st I packed my car and I drove across the country, from Connecticut to Washington, by myself in nine days.

I had told people that I was going to do this, that I knew God was preparing something big. It was amazing.

And even jobless and single and 30 I was able to be used by God. Even though I had felt defeated and confused He was patient enough and faithful enough to direct me. Once I fully surrendered to Him, a desire of my heart was completed perfectly.

I could’ve come up with plenty of other things to do with my life at the time. And I sure did. I had options, I had choices. But I was so done chasing things that I wanted. Nothing was working, so I made the choice to surrender to God. That drive was my favorite adventure yet, and those three months I committed to staying in Washington, those months changed my life. Those months brought some amazing people into my life and also brought so much clarity and peace.

Livin’ The Dream. Purchased that bumper sticker day two of nine in Pennsylvania. This was a dream I had, but further more I am living a dream, every day. So many people dream of having a forever home, or being loved unconditionally. I can travel the World and always be content leaving because my forever home is in Heaven. And my Jesus loves me unconditionally, so thankful for that. I fail constantly, but He is my forever home and loves me no matter what. A dream come true.

Are you livin’ the dream?

When you grow up in the church there are certain scriptures you hear pretty often. Here’s one I remember hearing a lot:

“Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4

Seemed simple. That one scripture. When you don’t think about much else in the Bible. #eyeroll As a teenager I read this and thought, “Perfect. I love the Lord, I try hard to please Him, I go to church, I pray to Him, I totally delight in the Lord. So, cool, God, here are my desires, let’s do this!”

Oh boy was I wrong.

I had desires, they were real, they were good and they were mine. I desired to be a nurse, I desired to travel the U.S. and I desired eventually to be a wife and a mom. See? They were all good, nothing too crazy. I don’t think God thought they were crazy either, He just had a plan. He has a plan. He will have a plan. Always, from the beginning, there has been a plan.

The more I studied the Bible and the more I spoke to Christians I started to see that verse differently. I started to see that verse as being a part of the Bible, not the point of the Bible. Yes if I did delight in the Lord He’d give me the desires of my heart. But I am human, I am a born sinner, I am an inpatient sinning human. I want what I want now. This is why I need Jesus.

As a Christian your goal is to be in sync with Jesus, to be like him. As a Christian I want to react as Jesus would, love as Jesus would, be patient as Jesus would be and have the desires that Jesus would have. Not an easy task. But did you catch that last one? Have the desires Jesus would. Okay, so then hear this.

As a Christian I am told to give my life to Jesus. I am told this life is not mine, I was created by God and for God. He gave me all the features on my body, He gave me all the feelings I express, He gave me desires.

So I want to desire the things Jesus wants me to and He tells me He created me and my desires are His. Hmmmm….interesting…..so because I’m a sinful human, I have created my own desires. Not bad desires but are they the ones God has given me? If I am not in tune with God, seeking His will, then how do I know which desires are God given and which desires are created by sinful me?

Study. Read the Bible, study with friends, listen to sermons, pray. Study your life from a different perspective. Work for it.

Wait. Be patient. Listen. You won’t figure this out overnight, unless God wants you to of course. Don’t jump into everything too quickly. Some things take time. If it’s not God’s time, it’s wrong.

Go. Once you feel God is opening a door even the tiniest bit, run. Study before you make a decision, Wait for an answer or an opening and then go with all you’ve got.

You may fall flat on your face and realize you were wrong, maybe you rushed God’s timing. You may succeed in ways you’ve always dreamed of and more because you studied and waited. Either outcome, you will be supported by Jesus, you will be loved by Jesus. You will either be blessed for achieving your dreams or blessed for trying. As long as you are always striving for God’s will, you can’t fail.

I studied, I waited, I saw an opening and I ran.

It wasn’t God’s timing and perhaps not even a desire of His for me at all. I failed nursing school by one point. A point. I tried so hard. Heartbreak was real, but let me tell you the blessings I received from that season in my life were more than I could ever imagine. More than I had ever asked for. Jesus was there waiting for me at the end of that season and together we re evaluated my desires.

What happened next? His timing was perfect with a different desire of my heart, a God given desire, perfectly executed. As if He had a plan. 😏

Everyone has certain phrases that they strongly dislike. For some it’s, “The clock is ticking.” Others it’s, “Were you raised in a barn?” And another one may be, “You’re just big-boned.” Ok, confession, I guess all three of those kind of annoy me. In my mind I respond something like this: I don’t have a clock but yup I may never have kids. Obviously I wasn’t raised in a barn, we all know that. And, nope, my bones are pretty similar to yours, I have more fat than you, and I actually know that.

But the one that really gets to me, the one that can bring up a ton of different emotions all at once, is the exact one I’ve been told only a few times but it haunts me.

“You’re not a mom, you don’t understand.”

I usually have to go through steps to process this through my heart and my brain.

1) Fight the pride that wants to take over my words in that moment. Dear Lord, put your hand over my mouth. And he does. The ugly sinful part of me wants to make them feel like an awful parent, and puff myself up telling them I know exactly what they feel. Once I allow God to remove that, it’s step two.

2) Resist the temptation to feel worthless. When my anger pauses I then feel myself sinking into this place of real negativity. I must of failed, I didn’t have kids, I’ll never understand a child or a parent ever, I should never babysit or talk to moms about their kids. This phase usually lasts longer than the first because then I will second guess things and feelings I’ve had or am having. Dear Lord, hold me above water. And He does.

Once I realize being prideful isn’t going to help, and then realize thinking I’m worthless isn’t going to help then, and only then, can I think clearly.

I have to realize it’s not about pride-it’s about recognizing and understanding the gifts God has given you. And in the same way it’s not about feeling worthless, it’s about knowing my experiences are different than that of a mother’s.

God has given me the gift of loving children. I want to help them and teach them and discipline them and watch them. It brings great joy to my heart to create bonds with kids. The other side of that is knowing and accepting I have never been called Mommy, I don’t know what it’s like to birth a child or to spend so much energy in adopting a child.

I’ve seen mothers leave their children, I’ve watched fathers disappear from their children’s lives. I’ve met countless kids whose parents stayed around but did them plenty of disservice for their future. And what happens to those kids?

Those kids have been taught, loved, disciplined, encouraged and fed by me. And by females who have never been called “Mommy”. I have held the hand of a 15 year old boy in the operating room because his mother was so high on drugs she didn’t show. I have cut the umbilical cord of one of my beautiful nieces because her father was no where to be found. I have grounded a teenage boy that was caught with weed at school. I have stayed up all night praying that a boy in my care was found alive not dead. I have held a teenage boy while he sobbed because he got in trouble with the law. I have had my heart ache when I signed a boy up for high school and hoped he would make good choices. I had my heart crushed when a teenage boy yelled he hated me because I had called him out on his actions. I have loved a child so much that I know I would give my own life for theirs. And I have prayed so much for children that I run out of words. I have gone to plays and sports games and concerts and graduations of children that looked up to me and respected me and knew I loved them.

Do not tell me that I don’t have a mother’s heart. I have a heart that loves, that hurts, that laughs, that cares. I know I do not get certain things about being a mother, but you don’t need to be a mom to love a child. So please stop telling me I don’t understand because I’m not a mom.

I’m 32. I’m single. No kids. I travel a lot, I work, I have a ton of amazing friends all over the U.S., and I am a virgin. Yup, I said it. I’m a 32 year old virgin. It’s funny when I state that to girls I don’t know. “Wait, what? Really? Why?” One time a girl I was working with heard I was a virgin, she put down what was in her hands and asked, “Can I hug you? I’ve never met someone like you.” And proceeded to awkwardly hug me.

Was she congratulating me? Did she think I would rub off on her? I was kind of confused, but also sad that she said she’s never met anyone like that before. When you’re with females things like this often come up-and it’s only weird if ya make it weird!

Growing up I always heard things like “One day your prince will come.” “God has a special one picked out for you.” “He’s still working on him that’s why you don’t have him yet.” As the years continued to pass, I started to wonder, is he lost? Did God forget about my husband?

I did have a three year relationship that ended in heart break. It’s been almost 8 years since then and I’m still learning how to be single. I started seeing a Christian man for a couple months but that ended in friendship.

I watched all of my siblings marry, my best friend married her prince, my other friends were getting engaged. But I was still a party of one. I refused to think this was a dead end street of singleness. I had options. I could do online dating, I could put myself out there all the time, I could be angry that I don’t get a man, or I could….wait for it…..be content! Whoa! Now that’s an idea! Be content being single. Not an idea I had heard before, so was it wrong?

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.” Philippians 4:11

*Whatever the circumstance? Single, my current circumstance is single.

 “And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness’ …Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

*His grace is sufficient for me, his power is perfected in my weakness, and because of that I am content with all negativity.

“If they obey and serve him, they will spend the rest of their days in prosperity and their years in contentment.” Job 36:11

*I strive to always obey and serve God so I know I hope in contentment for all my years.

Nope. Not wrong to be content in my singleness. The Bible instructs me to be content no matter what my life looks like. But the key is being content in Him. Not in a career, not in a spouse, not in awards, in Him.

It’s so so easy to not be content, we always want more, we always want better, we always want different. That’s because we are putting our hope in the wrong things.

I have to put effort in to being content. I have to be intentional about it. I don’t put my hope in good looking guys, or in a wedding ring, or in the label of “girlfriend” I strive to put my hope in Jesus Christ and that’s the only way I am content being single. You can have that very same contentment-wether you’re single, married or in between. We’re invited to have it, and as a Christian I am told to have it.

All or nothing. When I do something I go big. Some call it extra. I like to look at it as completing it to the best of my ability.

Here are some examples of me “completing things to the best of my ability”:

*When I was in middle school I wanted my parents’ attention so instead of getting a C to replace my B in science and history, I decided to just go the lowest I could-an F in both classes! Wow, Chuch, you’re a real winner.

*Years ago when I started jogging I thought I could work my way up. A week later I registered for a 5K. Because why not start at a higher level than I should?

*When I gave my ex an ultimatum, I decided to save up $8,000, quit my job and move to the state he lived in to show him how committed I was. Ah, to be young and stupid….and $8,000 richer.

*In high school the change we received after eating lunch was then doubled by our parents; our allowance. I had my mind set on buying tickets for my bestie to a Backstreet Boys concert. Obviously the most logical thing to do was not eat lunch for weeks. Save my money up and then get it doubled. I may have been hungry but you better believe we went to the concert.

*Just last summer friends were all going wake boarding. I’d never gone water skiing or kneeboarding so naturally I think now is the perfect time to attempt to wakeboard. After realizing that a wakeboard was like a snowboard on water and also realizing this was actually really hard, it was more like an attempt to drown myself. I got so much water up my nose that day.

So now you all know me a little more, for better or worse. Depending on which way I use my all-or-nothing/extra/full send attitude, it can be really good or really bad.

If you’re my friend-I’m all in. I’m there for you to the best of my ability. I was recently told that I am an all or thing person with everyone I know and that that was a bad thing. When I’m told something I do is bad I then need to re-examine myself.

I love people, I love doing things with people and I especially like making people laugh. I love being there for friends and encouraging them. In the past I know I was probably annoying or “too much” but I want people to know I’m theirs, to know I’m here for them. So what does this all mean for other areas in my life?

This is one of the main reasons I don’t drink alcohol, never have and never plan on starting. I honestly do not think I’d stop. I would “complete it to the best of my ability” and get totally wasted. And that would result in lots of other poor decisions, or life changing choices. “No, you’d know when to stop.” “Someone would tell you when to slow down.” “You’ll be fine.” Are some reactions I get when I tell people this reasoning. I need to listen to myself and to God, because those are the only people I truly answer to. This is how I protect myself, my future and the hearts of my loved ones.

So I know what to avoid due to my go big or go home self, but what do I go for all the way?

I’ve personally decided to go full send in my walk with Jesus. When I decided to follow Him I knew it would be like anything else-all or nothing. I fail daily, believe me, and most days I wish I could give Him more than I do. But, my attempt every day is to please Him in all of my actions and through my words. This is what I’m told to do as a Christian so it actually works out in my favor this time!

Even though I’m extra with pretty much everything, I do have boundaries. I’ve never broken a bone and I’ve never been arrested. Since I know the kind of person I am, I also need to know how much is too much. Most times I learn my limits the hard way. I’m working on that. Along with limits I also need to know the things, or the people, that I should not be all in with. In order to not cause breaking of the heart….or the law.

I encourage you to learn yourself. Do you go all the way with people and things? Perhaps you don’t go in enough? Learn your boundaries, stand firm on the ones you are confident in. And others you need to be willing to tighten them or loosen them depending on what God wants for your life.

While you’re doing that I’ll be over here going full send into more adventures. Totally sober because there are some things that are just not worth giving my all to.

Chuchie is the “Polican” word for Aunt. About 11 years ago I officially became an Aunt to my sister’s daughter. My two brothers, one sister and I don’t have any aunts. We have a few close family friends that were like aunts but none we actually called Auntie. When my niece was born my world had changed and I knew from the start I wanted to be more than Aunt or Auntie. We are Polish, from my Dad, but don’t speak the language. However I thought we could Americanize the Polish word for Aunt. And boom…..Chuh-Chee was verbalized. From then on I was know as Chuchie or Chuch.

The older I got, the longer I was single and kid-less, and I spent lots of time with families, not just my siblings and their kids. I grew relationships with children and other kids started to call me Chuchie, too. It wasn’t just a word-it was a title. I loved it, and still do. I call all the kids in my life my babies. When they say they aren’t a baby, I remind them Chuchie doesn’t have her own babies so I call you my baby because I love you so much.

This is just the background, the start, of Chuchie Flow. Stay tuned for funny stories, some confessions, a love story or two, traveling tips and hopefully inspiration

Chuch ya later ✌🏼