I am a social girl, I like people. I like going places, and I like my job of working with behavioral students. I like attending church with my extended family, and doing Zumba with my girls. I like going out to eat, and I like getting coffee with friends.

Today is day 22 of quarantine. Today it was hard for me to have a grateful heart. Today I fought back tears. Today was tough. Inhale.

Today is day 22 of being healthy. Today I managed my emotions. Today I laughed. Today is almost over. Today I grew. Exhale.

When we found out my brother was exposed with COVID-19, I knew this would affect me. I live with him, his wife and their four kids. I decided I would stay and we would all quarantine together for two weeks and just pray none of us tested positive. The first few days were a little hard, but I did this in the spring and I was just fine. I became sick about a week in, couldn’t get out of bed, no appetite, hot/cold, my whole body ached. I thought, OK, this is it. Here it is, let’s endure this and move on.

I tested negative. Alright, then suck it up and move on, work starts Monday.

The house was full of crafts and games and movies and food. But, I had to depend on people like I never had to before. I had to ask people to pick up food and drop it off at the house. My family and I are so blessed to have so many amazing people in our lives to help us, but it isn’t easy to fully depend on others.

11 days into our 14 day quarantine COVID-19 was stealing my brother’s energy. It brought high fevers and days of trying to help my sister in law with the kids and checking on my brother. I was three days from being “free” and now I am here for another two weeks. But, then I was informed my two weeks of quarantine does not begin until my last day of exposure. And since one is believed to be contagious for 10 days, and I live with my sick brother, I am here for another few weeks. Inhale, exhale.

So the story continues with my sister-in-law coming down with symptoms and my brother slowly getting better. I went into full Chuchie mode and did what I could. Thankful I was healthy and that the kids know me, love me, and trust me. A few days ago my sister-in-law started to have issues not related to COVID-19, after a day in the Emergency Department, it was discovered she has a dissection of the vertebral artery. I had the four babies all day yesterday. I told my sister-in-law this is all just practice for my future of being a wife and mom (God willing). But then I thought, this moment was my future 13 years ago. When my parents accident happened and I cared for them as best I could people said to me, this is God preparing you for something. Is this it? I do believe that God prepares and equips us for the trials of life (2 Timothy 3:16-17, 1 Corinthians 12:4-7), however I think it’s a constant. I do not think I should go through my life assuming that this is what God trained me for. This is my now. Why look to the future and wonder if He is making me learn something now for something later when tomorrow is not promised. I need to use the tools today that He has given me. For such a time as this. Inhale, exhale.

Not going to church is hard because that is where I fellowship, that is where I gather with fellow followers of Christ. Not going to work is disrupting because that is my structure, my schedule. I am thankful I have a job that I can work online, I do not enjoy working on line, but that’s not the point here. I still have a job. Not seeing friends is tough because it is both an outlet and an input for me. Not seeing all the kids in my life is annoying because they grow so quickly and I want them to know their Chuchie. Not being able to see my boyfriend makes me sad. It’s been 10 months and this time is supposed to be getting to know each other better, and spending time doing activities with friends and family.

But the hardest thing of all is not being able to express or accept my love language. Physical touch. I need to feel that you are there with me. High fives, linking arms, hugging. It’s a big deal to me and I am very aware of that. Day 22 was one of those days I felt my heart wasn’t getting what it needed. Inhale, exhale. I am OK. Now go ask one of the four kids you’re with for a hug. (I did and I got lots of snuggles today and for that I am thankful.)

My sister-in-law was tested for COVID-19 today. If she is positive I will have to stay quarantined for at least 17 more days. 17 days. Inhale. Exhale.

In a World full of uncertainty and confusion, I need to stand firm to the truths that I believe.

• God knew this was all going to happen, and He also knows what will happen. “Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.” Psalm 139:4
• God is my constant, even when I feel so discombobulated. “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” Hebrews 13:8
• Do not fear this virus. “So do not fear, for I am with; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
• I may die from this virus next week….but I may die from anything next week. “For this God is our God for ever and ever; He will be our guide even unto death.” Psalm 48:14
• Even if I do die, I know I am going to Heaven to live for eternity. “Very truly I tell you, whoever obeys my word will never see death.” John 8:51
• I don’t need to worry about where our food or necessities will come from. “Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” Matthew 6:26
• I am exactly where God has me at the moment. “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” Proverbs 16:9

I could have left the house immediately after my brother was exposed and quarantined for two weeks somewhere and I would have been done with this. But, with the truths I listed above, I couldn’t justify leaving. Imagining them being sick and not being here with them and the kids, it just did not make sense to me. And after what had happened with Molly’s artery, I am so thankful God softened my heart and allowed me to stay here with my family.

1 Corinthians 10:31 “So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.”

This is not about me. I know my truths, and yes, I believe Jesus has given me these truths, but the end result is not about me. This is hard, tough, disrupting, annoying, sad. I do not like this. But it is not about me. Inhale, exhale. I do not want people to see me quarantining and “suffering”, I want people to see me quarantining and giving God the glory for it. Oh man this is hard.

I do not know why God is allowing all of this to happen, but what I do know is Jesus works all things together for good for those who love him. (Romans 8:28) And that’s me, I love Him. We are not promised all happy things, we are not promised all safe things. We are promised that He will never leave us, we are promised eternity in Heaven with Him. I am but a mist that appears and then vanishes. (James 4:14) In that tiny, quick mist, it does not matter that I suffered through some tough things and it does not matter that I enjoyed amazing things. All that matters is that I gave God the Glory. All that matters is I reflected the Son. All that matters is I know my truths and live them even when I am quarantined. All that matters is I have joy and peace in my heart and soul when my brain is chaotic and unhappy. All that matters is Jesus.

22 days. Inhale, exhale.

And this is what happens so many times again and again. We allow people to fall for us because it feels good. We like having a close friend, someone to share our thoughts with, someone who will not judge us, someone to always have plans with. We don’t intend to break their hearts, but we also don’t intend to have an intimate relationship with them.

And the other side-we allow ourselves to fall for people because it feels good. We want to be wanted. So we take down our guard little by little, and it’s exciting to get to know someone. Sometimes we don’t even know we’re falling. And even worse sometimes we get told we are, we get told to be careful. But we ignore that advice because it feels good.

*****************************************

Boys need to be aware that females are emotional, dependent, connecting humans. Well, not all of us, but most of us. We’re fragile and we’re trusting you to not let us free fall. When you lead us down a road of connection, trust, humor, and consistency we think you’re going to catch us when we fall for you.

This is not just for men, I know. Girls do their fair share of this. The past ten years especially have been filled with conversations regarding guys or girls being lead on. Guys and girls talking to me about them being lead to believe someone had feelings for them. As much as I hate to admit it, I’ve been here too. I’ve let my guard down and have fallen so hard. Thankfully I have amazing Godly friends who catch me and then check me.

Proverbs 4:23 tells us to guard our hearts. Men and women of all ages. We need to have a relationship with God in order to decide what that means for us. At 32 I know boundaries that I didn’t understand 10 years ago. But, at 32 and still single, I’m still learning how to guard my heart because as we’ve previously discussed I’m an all or nothing person.

Be careful of falling for someone, of letting your guard down. But more importantly, please don’t allow someone to fall for you if you have no intentions of catching them.

When someone falls off a cliff they get hurt unless they are caught by something. (Even then they may get hurt). It’s the same when we fall for a person, our hearts take the hit. Broken hearts are hard to mend.

When we met I thought you were cute. You seemed to be nice and you made me laugh. The problem is almost everyone can make me laugh, so I’m hoping you can make me really laugh.

You started hanging out with me and my friends. And then you started to make me really laugh. And here and there you’d pay for me for the movies or you’d be extra sweet and made sure I had a blanket if we we were outside by the fire.

When we met I just thought you were cute, when we met I told myself to guard my heart.

It didn’t happen over night, it happened slowly, but it happened. I fell. And I prayed every day that you would catch me.

I knew things were different for me, things felt different. I then began analyzing every single thing you did for me. Because the moment I fell for you, my goal was to figure out if you had fallen for me.

When you paid for my meal I would quickly think of reasons why you would do that. And when you texted me and told me about a life decision before telling many others, you made me feel special.

Fast forward months of me hoping I made you feel special, and you choosing to make me feel special. It was so fun! We’re making people wonder if we’re a “thing” and we giggle and we find ways for the two of us to work together. On the outside it’s cute. On the inside the walls of my heart are coming down and I’m falling harder for you.

I’m now starting to think about a future with you. I also am beginning to open up to you, emotionally. I am making plans around your schedule and worst of all I’m cancelling plans with friends because you asked me to help clean your car.

I justify all of this by telling myself I’m not doing anything wrong because I’m not being physical. I tell myself there’s no way you don’t share the same feelings. I tell myself it’s ok.

So I fall harder.

Months and months of this cute and confusing thing. And then the bomb drops.

One night we’re hanging out like we usually do and I say, “What are you doing tomorrow?” And you confidently respond, “Oh, I’m going a date with this girl I met last week.”

Ouch. Cue racing thoughts…

Wait. What? You’re not going to catch me? I let you into my heart and into my dreams and you’re going to let me fall on my face?

What did I do wrong? I’ll change. I should have made a move. I didn’t make it clear enough. Do I know this girl? I don’t like this girl, she obviously is not right for you. Did it not mean anything to you when you brought me to your grandmother’s birthday?

I asked myself those questions through tears and beat myself up all day. My heart hurts. But then I really started to question all of those things you did for me.

You chose to spend so much time with me. You chose to pay for things for me. You chose to tell me personal information. You chose to make me laugh. You chose to let me fall for you. You also chose to not catch me.

You chose to break my heart, but you didn’t totally realize it because you didn’t understand that you had my heart.

So who’s to blame for the broken heart?

August 12, 2008. It was a Sunday. I remember it being really sunny that day. I was 21 and I remember I wore a skirt to church, it was kind of silky with a green and blue paisley print, fell just below my knees.

My life was good. My sister had gotten married 3 months ago and moved to Florida. I had just lost about 60 lbs. My older brother had recently moved to Nashville. My younger brother and I had just traveled to Nashville and Florida to see our siblings. My friends were all single with me. I was attending community college and working three jobs, and serving in my church as a Sunday School teacher. I was driving a convertible around, too. Oh man did I love my convertible. Our family attended church together. My life was good.

After church that Sunday I went to work, 12-5, as I did every week. I worked at a speciality gift shop that was only about five minutes from my house. Sundays were slow and I opened and closed up shop all by myself. I usually had to leave right after church to make it to my shift. This particular Sunday my parents had gotten pizza for lunch and they brought me some at work. They had planned to go for a motorcycle ride that afternoon. They rode the bike to the store and delivered a few pieces of “everything pizza”. I hugged and kissed them and they went on their way for an afternoon bike ride. I had no fears, I had no worry, life was good.

*cell phone ringing*

“Hello.”

“Kimberly. You have to come home.”

“Dude, I can’t. I’m at the store by myself you know I can’t.”

“You just have to come home.”

“Matthew, tell me why.”

“Mom and Dad…”

No. No. No. Don’t finish that sentence. Shut up! I can tell something happened. Please don’t tell me something happened. I know something happened. But I just saw them. I need to go. I need to find them. I need to see them.

“…were in an accident.”

I knew it. Please not death, please not death. They’re heads. They don’t wear helmets. Their poor heads. Oh dear God I can’t do this. You need to save them, God. I need to find them. I need to see them. I need my parents.

That drive home felt like an hour.

“Hey”

“Sister, it’s mom and dad, they were in a motorcycle accident. I don’t know anything.”

*click*

“What’s up?”

“Mom and Dad were in a motorcycle accident. I don’t know anything.”

“It’s time to grow up.”

*click*

It’s time to grow up? What the heck does that mean? I’m not a baby. Why would he say that to me? I know why he would say that-my parents have protected us from a lot, they’ve sheltered us from crappy things. They cannot help us right now. We need to step up. I can’t. I don’t know if I can.

I race home and hug my little brother like never before. No tears from either one of us, we didn’t know why we would be crying yet. We still knew nothing.

*House phone ringing*

“Kimberly?”

“Dad! Oh Dad, I can hear you. You’re alive. I need to hear mom.”

“You can’t right now.”

God, you have got to be absolutely kidding me. Are you serious? You’re going to take my mother from me!? My best friend? The woman I tell everything to!? This is how you’re taking her from me!? Why do I serve you? How are you going to heal my broken heart when you’re the one who broke it? I need her. I want her.

My dad continued to tell me my mom was taken to the same hospital he was, but she then suffered a seizure and was taken by helicopter to Yale Hospital in New Haven, CT. He sounded so calm, little did I know he was strapped to a board because they didn’t want him moving until he was fully examined. He sounded so calm, for me. He was calm for me. Still trying to protect me.

“We are going to go see her at Yale.”

“No Kimberly, please don’t. I want to see her first.”

“Are you sure you’re coming home today? I’m sending people to come get you.”

“Yeah I’ll be out of the hospital soon.”

Ok so now I just wait? Wait for what? Why are there so many people coming to our house right now? Go away. Your hugs are not helping-I want my mother. I will sit in this front yard on the ground until I am allowed to go see my mother. No, I’m not hungry, I want to puke. Stop telling me it’s going to be ok. It was ok-4 hours ago it was ok. It’s not right now. Why God? I don’t want to pray, I want to scream but nothing is coming out. I don’t want to trust you, I did trust you and look what happened.

My dad did not come home soon. He called again and notified us that the doctors found a hole in his lung and would have to stay longer to be observed. He told me we could go see my mother, as long as someone drove us.

This is what I had been waiting for. I was getting what I wanted. But what if she’s dead? What if her face is all torn up? What if she’s on a ventilator? What if she doesn’t know who I am? What if I can’t handle it? I just need to see her.

Longest. Ride. Ever. It’s actually a long ride anyways but it was silent and full of so many emotions. The friend who drove us played a song by Mercy Me “I Would Die For You.” It talks about how God is in that bad place because He never leaves us and to have peace. I had been raised to love and trust God, to live in His peace. I knew I loved God and I felt I had always trusted Him and loved Him. But my eyes were about to be ripped open.

Walking through the hospital is hard enough. Walking into the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) is the hardest.

ICU. This is where people die. This is where you have a nurse watching you almost 24/7. This is where it’s so quiet because patients can’t handle the stimuli. My mom loves stimuli, she needs music and lots of people.

Turning that corner not knowing what to expect.

There she was. My mommy. Laying helpless in a hospital bed with tubes in her mouth assisting her breathing. There she was. Eyes closed, swollen face, scrapped fingers.

Wait a second, where are her rings? Where’s her wedding ring? And the million other rings she wears? Why do I care about her rings right now? Cause they’re hers, they are so much of her.

Her fingers were so swollen they had to cut off some rings and were able to remove the others. She had no marks on her face, her hands had some scrapes. I held her hand but did not receive a squeeze back. Cue the tears. As I walked to the other side of the bed, I saw the spot. The spot that had hit the pavement so hard it caused all of this. Her hair was hard, covered in dried blood from the crack in her head.

I need to wash her hair. She wants her hair washed. She is a hair dresser, this is not OK. I need to clean her up. Look at her God. How is this a part of your plan? How is this loving? You’re ruining our lives.

“It’s going to be OK.” Is all my brother could say over and over.

” ” is all I could say. I only had thoughts. Negative, doubting, angry thoughts. I wanted to talk to my mom. I wanted to thank her for my pizza. I wanted to tell her I loved her. I wanted to tell her I was mad at God. I just wanted her.

I spoke to the nurses briefly but couldn’t tell you what any of them said to me. The drive home that night was the worst. Unsettling, confusing. I told my unresponsive mother I’d return in the morning, bright and early and we were going to figure this all out. I told her I would be here for it all, I will protect her. I knew she would tell me to trust Jesus and to pray and know this is part of His plan. So I tried so so hard.

This would be a moment, a pivotal moment, where I would choose to fight against God or with God.

This story is far from over, I’ll continue it, don’t you worry. But for now, think of your pivotal moments. Do you have one? Maybe you don’t, maybe you never will, I don’t know. All I know is that God can only be the strength in our weakness if we let Him.

It’s not that I didn’t trust in God. I was mad at God. I was angry and confused with God. That’s real. I knew I could run from Him or to Him.

At that moment, I can honestly say I didn’t know which way I wanted to run.

Wow that hurts my heart to type that sentence. But it’s real and I know the ending.

When I was 9 I went to a friends birthday sleepover party. Minutes before starting the feature presentation my mom called to check in on me. I told her we were just getting ready to start a movie and things were going great. She asked what movie and I said we were watching The Shining. My mother said, “Oh no you are not, I’m coming to pick you up right now.”

I quickly snapped, “No mom! No one else is getting picked up. I’m fine. I want to stay.”

“You don’t want to trust me Kimberly?”

“I do trust you, but I want to stay.”

She allowed me to stay. I instantly regretted not trusting my mother. That choice cost me lots of hours of sleep and not being able to watch a Jack Nicholson movie for years. It was stupid for me to stay, I didn’t enjoy horror movies. I stayed so I could look cool. Well I looked cool but inside I was freaking out.

I never forgot that event, it impacted so many areas of my life. I knew I needed to trust and obey my mother. I knew I hated scary movies. I knew that movie made me think about things differently, think in ways I didn’t like. I knew that I gave in to peer pressure. I knew it didn’t please God that I watched the movie.

As I grew older I was able to decided which TV shows and movies I watched. Enter the world of Netflix.

I then noticed a pattern was forming.

Most nights I’d go to sleep and dream that I met a perfect man, that we fell in love and married. My dreams would always linger throughout my day. So there I was at Wal*Mart, or at CVS or at Friendly’s (an East Coast restaurant) thinking, “Well this would be such a perfect way to meet my husband.” Or I’d be thinking, “If only I had a man with me right now.” Or even worse, “I don’t even want to go home because I’ll be by myself.”

I slowly realized this pattern was closely linked to the movies I was watching. I love love. I love showing love, being loved, hearing love stories and watching love stories. I was watching romantic comedies all the time. But they were creating these thoughts, voids, curiosities, and dreams that were not healthy for me. I already had thoughts of being married, already had dreams of meeting a great guy.

The last thing I needed was encouragement to do that!

So, I had to pace myself, I had to decide to not watch so many romantic comedies because I started to want what the movies were showing me.

And we all know what’s in almost every romantic comedy…..sex. Either it is referenced, implied or shown. This triggers something in our brains. We’re human. I am single, I am saving myself for marriage. Once again, I do not need any encouragement to think about sex. It presents a great opportunity to cause some serious stumbling.

Horror movies. No thank you. However, I’m not always strong enough to say that in the moment. So I only say no thank you currently because I’ve done it and never want to do it again. I’ve watched horror movies with friends.

I as myself the next day, did I gain anything from spending two hours watching that? No, I’ve only lost. I have lost sleep because I’m still freaked out from the movie. I’ve lost the ability to have pleasant dreams because I’m now stuck in a nightmare I can’t wake up from. And I’ve temporarily lost peace. Because all day I’m thinking about how the old man actually killed that girl or I’m thinking of what I would do if I were being chased by that guy.

In both genres, my thoughts are now clouded. I’m either thinking I’m going to trip and fall into my husbands arms while we laugh and fall in love instantly. Or I’m scared and not sleeping well.

And if it’s not a movie-it’s a show! Why do I get so entangled and invested in the lives of characters!? I talk about them like they’re my friends. They aren’t! Once I stopped watching so many shows I was able to invest more in real people.

All of this is not easy for me because I really do like movies and shows. But I need to be wise about which ones I’m watching and how often.

I am not here to tell you what not to watch-I’m telling you to think wisely about what you watch. Why do you watch it? What does it do for you?

On a drive from Washington to Connecticut we planned to visit The Grand Canyon. We had been driving for most of the day and I was determined to get us there for the sunset. I drove fast as I attempted to race the sun and buy us more time. I paid the $20 entrance fee and once we drove up to the first point I threw my car into park and ran to the edge.

The sun had already set.

The darkness was taking over.

Within minutes, there I was….Staring at The Grand Canyon in the dark.

I was so annoyed that I missed it, annoyed I couldn’t see the place I was so excited to experience.

It was so quiet. So peaceful. So empty. I yelled and could hear my echo. The air was so…..fresh and crisp. I made it to The Grand Canyon. Not the timing I wanted to make it in and I sure wasn’t seeing what I wanted to see, but I made it.

That’s a large part of living a Christian life. It may not be the timing you planned and it may not be what you what wanted to see, but you’ll make it. I guess now that I write that out, that’s a part of living a life period. Christian or not.

The comforting thing about living a Christian life is that we can trust in God to have us arrive at the perfect timing and see what He wants us to see. As a Christian I don’t need to race time, God holds time in His hands, that should not be a worry of mine.

Being at The Grand Canyon at night, feeling the peacefulness, hearing my echo and breathing in that air, was the perfect experience for me. We did decide to extend our trip an extra day in order to experience the Canyon in the day time, too. And it was breathtaking and humbling and beautiful. But taking those first steps on the Canyon is an experience that I will always hold dear.

Freezing cold water. A wicked hot and muggy day. A room full of people you don’t know. Avoiding going to the bathroom at someone’s house. Being made fun of.

No one actually enjoys feeling uncomfortable. And every person has different things they would consider uncomfortable. I personally cannot sleep on a floor, I am so uncomfortable I just can’t fall asleep. Another thing that makes me uncomfortable is when I’m in a job interview. My confidence is not easy to find in the moment, and I’m just not comfortable. Or high heels. Ugh-zero comfort for me.

But comfort…. Being comfortable is the best. Climbing into bed with soft pajamas on. The perfect spring day sitting on the porch eating nachos. I love being comfortable. Driving in my car is when I feel most comfortable. I know I can steer that car wherever I want. I am usually playing music that makes me feel good. Comfort is real when I’m on a road trip. I also feel comfortable when I’m at home. Where I grew up and the place I know better than anywhere.

My view on comfort was challenged when I heard Andy Mineo’s song Uncomfortable. I had always heard people say “get out of your comfort zone”, but what does that mean?

Short answer-Push yourself.

Long(ish) Answer-I think getting out of your comfort zone is different for everyone. For some it may mean saying hi to someone at church, for some it may mean to expand your thinking, learn more than what you’re comfortable knowing. For me, it meant a season of home hopping, a season of not getting comfortable in life. And the blessings from being uncomfortable were, and are, amazing.

When I had moved to New Hampshire it was definitely outside of my comfort zone. I was moving into a small apartment by myself, after growing up in a full house. I was scared. I was uncomfortable, in every aspect. I had to introduce myself to people. 😳 But, I did and that time brought so much clarity into my life.

When I lived in Boston I was so far from my comfort zone. I had to take the train to school every day. I had to walk in the freezing cold from my house to the station in the mornings. I had to shovel my own driveway, not rely on my dad. I had to find a church on my own. It was hard. It was fast, city life. (I’ll tell you more about my Boston life another time, I’ll try and stay on track for now!)

This season of uncomfortableness brought confusion and frustration and debt. And more patience and greater faith and better control of my emotions and amazing friends, and an experience no one can take from me.

It was when I was comfortable in my life-when I lived at home with a solid job, food in the fridge, friends to hang out with. It was then that my faith lessened. It was those times that I gained weight and it was those times I wasn’t stressed by having debt. It was those times I was complacent in my walk with Jesus. Oh man that’s the worst. Just “being fine” in any relationship is not good.

“God prepare me for the war
Comfort be the thing that’ll make a king fall
Eyes on the Lord, gotta grip that blade of the sword
Tell me how you plan on gettin’ swole if you don’t ever get sore”

We are in a war. We live in a sin filled World that we are trying to combat with our faith. When a king fails in some way, it’s very possible it’s because he forgot to cross a t or dot an I, or he trusted someone else to do something or he thought he could hide something. Or he felt he was above everything and was comfortable there. And when muscle increase is wanted, someone is working out a ton, they’ll naturally get sore, achy and tired. That is uncomfortable. But if you want to be swole then you need to enter an uncomfortable period of time. It’s the sacrifice you make. And the outcome is noticeable, it’s growth.

Everyone’s comfort zone is different and stepping out of your comfort looks different too. But, no matter where anyone is the reality is it’s difficult. We allow fear or opinions to get in the way.

If you’re stepping the right way and for the right reasons, it will be blessed.

Where is your comfort zone? How much more could you do if you stepped out of it? Is God telling you to leave your zone? Does your faith need to grow? Are you fine where you are?

Was Jesus comfortable?